well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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