Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
