if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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