The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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