I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
