theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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