Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Vodka?
Forever.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
