I hate all girls vehemently.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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