I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
