I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Randomize
