My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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