So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
