i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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