woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
