Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
