last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
