Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i love accidental penises.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
