Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
