my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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