She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
