I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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