look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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