people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
