Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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