That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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