True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
