I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
