Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
