Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
