All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
