I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
