We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
