we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
