My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
