I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
