I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
