John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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