God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
