i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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