My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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