Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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