Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
