The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
