So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
