I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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