someone threw a dead crab at me
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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