The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
