Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
