everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
