I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
