Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
