you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
