the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
