I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
