He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
