She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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