i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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