we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
