Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
FUCK WHALES
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
