Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
